I found myself rolling my eyes just at the sight of him.
Venom about to spill out of my veins
His voice and his laughter sounded so crude to me.
It wasn’t always like this. There was a time When I laughed at his jokes When my heart skipped a beat in gladness When I heard his voice.
But now I hate to be in the same room with him. The very thought of being close to him Makes me shiver inside Leaving my insides all knotted up.
Time had passed since the incidence. When the man I thought I knew Left me hurting, wounded and mad. But then he goes and says something. Reopening the old yet fresh wounds.
And I find myself recalling all the past hurts And I hold unto them Refusing to let go Complaining to everyone About how wicked he is and how he’s wronged me
In my head, I believe I am in control of my emotions. I say to myself, I will not be pushed around But inside, my heart is at war.
My happiness is long gone I am no longer the woman who used to enjoy the simple things in life. Now pent up emotions long-buried Threaten to destroy my joy. I who used to be carefree now so tensed. And on the edge of my emotions.
And anytime my mind thinks of him
I catch myself wishing him evil
Or thinking of situations where I am victorious over him
Or where he appears foolish in front of others.
And in my quest for vengeance
I have forsaken Christ’s command to love
Even those I consider my enemies
I have also lost myself in the process
I hate who I have become
And how do I get back to who I was before all this bitterness and rage happened?
I know the answer And it sounds easy to say But it’s proving harder to do Giving up my bitterness
But it’s me who is hurting and crying And he may not even have a clue. How he makes me feel Or even if he does He may not know the extent of my anger and bitterness toward him.
So I finally come to a place
Where I can’t keep on hurting
I can’t keep reliving the past hurts
I must surrender it all
To Him who says Cast all you cares upon me, for my burden is light
And so in exchange for the bitterness
I get forgiveness and freedom.
I get my life back.
It’s hard at first But I can now look at him The one who hurt me And when I hear him talk I no longer see crudeness But a sweet tender voice.
And when he goes and makes me angry. I remember my time of bitterness And I say to myself it’s not worth it holding a grudge. I breathe in, asking God to give me grace I breathe out and let the anger go. Because my friendship with him is more vital, than any benefit, I ever had holding unto my bitterness.