Freedom from bitterness

I found myself rolling my eyes just at the sight of him.
Venom about to spill out of my veins
His voice and his laughter sounded so crude to me.

It wasn’t always like this.
There was a time
When I laughed at his jokes
When my heart skipped a beat in gladness
When I heard his voice.

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But now I hate to be in the same room with him.
The very thought of being close to him
Makes me shiver inside
Leaving my insides all knotted up.

• 

• 

Time had passed since the incidence.
When the man I thought I knew
Left me hurting, wounded and mad.
But then he goes and says something.
Reopening the old yet fresh wounds.

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And I find myself recalling all the past hurts
And I hold unto them
Refusing to let go
Complaining to everyone
About how wicked he is and how he’s wronged me

---

In my head, I believe I am in control of my emotions.
I say to myself, I will not be pushed around
But inside, my heart is at war.

My happiness is long gone
I am no longer the woman who used to enjoy the simple things in life.
Now pent up emotions long-buried
Threaten to destroy my joy.
I who used to be carefree now so tensed.
And on the edge of my emotions.

And anytime my mind thinks of him
I catch myself wishing him evil
Or thinking of situations where I am victorious over him
Or where he appears foolish in front of others.

And in my quest for vengeance
I have forsaken Christ’s command to love
Even those I consider my enemies
I have also lost myself in the process
I hate who I have become
And how do I get back to who I was before all this bitterness and rage happened?

---

I know the answer
And it sounds easy to say
But it’s proving harder to do
Giving up my bitterness

But it’s me who is hurting and crying
And he may not even have a clue.
How he makes me feel
Or even if he does
He may not know the extent of my anger and bitterness toward him.

• 

• 

• 

So I finally come to a place
Where I can’t keep on hurting
I can’t keep reliving the past hurts
I must surrender it all
To Him who says Cast all you cares upon me, for my burden is light
And so in exchange for the bitterness
I get forgiveness and freedom.
I get my life back.

---

It’s hard at first
But I can now look at him
The one who hurt me
And when I hear him talk
I no longer see crudeness
But a sweet tender voice.

And when he goes and makes me angry.
I remember my time of bitterness
And I say to myself it’s not worth it holding a grudge.
I breathe in, asking God to give me grace
I breathe out and let the anger go.
Because my friendship with him is more vital,
than any benefit, I ever had holding unto my bitterness.