It’s Sunday morning; it’s raining heavily outside. I am supposed to be up and getting ready for church. But I am too weak. I have had this horrible intense headache for the past two days. All I want to do is get some more sleep.

However, this is where things get complicated. I live in the home of a retired Anglican Priest. There are expectations that I am somehow not fulfilling. I don’t do it out of spite. I am usually the people pleaser and obeyer of traditions. But the truth is going to Church since I returned to Nigeria is not something I look forward to every Sunday. There I said it. I am learning to do what is suitable for me even when I stand out in the crowd.

I don’t know how to explain my feelings or needs. So I drag myself to Church when I am physically able to go. I could look for another Church. But in the neighbourhood, I live in I don’t think I will find what I need.

During the Lockdown, I have had some respite. I have enjoyed worshipping online. I am super thankful that I can worship with my Church family in Arizona. To be honest, I get more from the online service than I would be attending the local church here.

Why The Struggle?

  • Background difference: I am a product of my diverse experiences. So it is often hard for me to fit in when there is not much diversity. I feel stifled and like I am being squashed in a box. Even though I am Igbo, I might as well be a foreigner when I step into Church. Church, for me, is meant to be home, where I can be myself. Sadly for me, the Churches where I might feel at home are far away. Instead, I come out triggered and turned off by all the rules and cultural norms that I simply do not get.
  • Milk vs Meat: I find myself craving more substance in the sermons than what is offered. I have reached a place where I need more. Also, life experiences and background play a role in this, as well.
  • Length of Service: I find the Church service here too long. I have been influenced by life in the Western world. I find it hard to sit there, as numerous collections are taken. Now if I were getting more teachings, I wouldn’t mind.
  • Style of Worship: We all have different types. I am more conservative about how I worship. I love my hymns or contemporary music. I don’t mind livelier music, but for some reason, many Nigerians seem to love loud music, and often the sound system is wack. The singer’s end up shouting to get over the instruments. Right there is when my spirit of worship flees. All I want to do is protect my ears.

Finding a home church shouldn’t be this difficult. For a lot of people, it’s not. But I am not the average girl on the street. So it makes sense that my journey to find a home church will be adventurous and unique.

But it’s not easy, especially when you can’t find the words to express what is happening and why it is a struggle for you to go to Church. The truth is tomorrow even if I have a headache I will most likely go to work. But here is the thing I love my job. I might be an introvert, but I am very mindful of my spaces. I am drawn to where I find acceptance, love and peace. I am praying I find a home soon.


Have you ever felt this way? What did you do?


  1. Ah, don’t I fully understand you? Lol… There’s a thing about this side of the planet that makes you feel like a sinner for not going to a physical church on Sundays.

    Again, welcome to Nigeria.

  2. Dear Bethany, I can totally relate with your predicament because I’ve also had such struggle.
    When I got married initially it was a little battle for me to get acclimatized because I come from a Pentecostal family while my hubby is Anglican.
    After a while I found a Pentecostal church that seemed like home for me but as the kids came didn’t want to have a divided home on Sundays so we agreed to worship together.
    Well, I had to open my heart and embrace the Anglican church where hubby worshipped and as time progressed it began to feel like home.
    This doesn’t stop me from enjoying online services of other Pentecostal churches though. Thank God for technology, so I don’t really feel strange or away from home anymore.
    Give it some time and try to Open your heart while trusting the Holy Spirit to guide you, you’ll find home soon.

    1. Thank you so much. You know what’s funny, I enjoy being an Anglican. Yes I am praying for guidance. I want to find a home, where I can share and be in fellowship with others.

  3. Honestly I kept trying different churches until I was at the church I felt God was leading me to. It definitely has to be where you experience growth and not otherwise.

  4. Currently, I am in a long distance relationship with the physical church.
    The lockdown made me realize a lot of things and I have been home most sundays, reading and meditating.
    I am not in a rush to return because I want to enjoy this self discovery journey long enough to make a decision about my next choice of worship centre.
    I have come a long way to settle in a place that will upturn the peace and flow of my spirit.

  5. Church for me right now is staying at home on Sundays to rest.
    I have overcome the initial guilt about missing church and I read and meditate instead.
    It’s going to be this way for a long time and I look forward to every bit of it!

  6. The church for me is a gathering of believers where I can be my true self and my faith is fed up just the way the Father wants it. it is not any use if I enter a supposed church and the opposite happens. That being said, Keep asking the Holy Spirit for guidance, I am sure he would lead you to that gathering of believers where you can call home

  7. Arizona misses you! I will be praying. It is an opportunity to learn the putting away of the world and the distractions even in church…in seasons like this, I had to ask the Lord to help me worship- to focus on him in the church and let the rest go. Be there for Him, is what I learned, and He will be there for you. That is my prayer. I love you!

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